I Wish I Could Pretend
by MoonytheMarauder1
Summary: Sirius struggles with moving on after Remus' death. Little does he know that the truth is far more sinister than he'd ever thought possible. Warnings for character death, murder, war angst, betrayal, language


**A/N: Hey y'all! This was written for Hogwarts. Prompts are below :)**

**Alchemy Task 1: Write about a light character going to the dark side**

**Word Count: 1653**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Those rights go to JK Rowling.**

**WARNINGS: Character death, murder, war angst, betrayal, language… this is not a happy fic**

**Enjoy!**

Life wasn't… bright anymore.

There was still light, of course—Sirius could see the sun, the Muggle electrical lights continued to work, there was still day and night—but everything seemed duller, somehow. Unremarkable. Disappointing.

He knew why. He knew who was missing. He knew it was his fault.

"Sirius, it's… it's time for this to end."

James' voice startled him. He turned slowly to face his friend, grey eyes heavy with grief. "How did you get in here?"

James took off his glasses and wiped the lenses on the hem of his shirt. There was something broken in those hazel eyes, and Sirius missed the warmth and laughter that had rested there before… well. Before everything had changed.

"Your door was unlocked," James said at last. He replaced the glasses on his face and put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Mate, I think… I think it's time to put this behind us."

Bile rose to Sirius' throat and he turned away, breathing shallowly. "James," he said hoarsely, "I can't."

James was silent for a long time. Finally, he whispered, "But that's what he would have wanted."

Sirius dug his fingers through his dark hair, squeezing his eyes shut. He wanted James to stop. He wanted to feel things again. He wanted to go back in time and fix everything.

He wanted Remus to be alive again.

* * *

_It hadn't been a conscious decision, not really. But when he looked back on it, could he have done anything differently? He couldn't say. _

_It hurt. The guilt followed him everywhere. The position his deed had granted him, however, was valuable. He'd proven himself worthy. The death of a friend was a small price to pay, really. Especially when Remus would have died anyway. _

_But those amber eyes widened in disbelief and betrayal as his body was thrown backwards into the jet of green light—that wasn't an image he would be forgetting anytime soon. _

* * *

It was so early in the morning that the sun wasn't even out, and James was driving Sirius to the graveyard to _let go, say goodbye, move forward…_ Sirius doubted he could do any of those things, but James was right—Remus knew it was an accident. He wouldn't want Sirius to waste away… he'd want him to live.

But how could he, when the only man he'd ever loved had stopped breathing?

"I don't understand why I have to do this," Sirius croaked. "Move on, I mean. I clearly can't be trusted not to—" He broke off, looking out the car window, ashamed.

James kept his hazel eyes on the road. "The Order needs you, Sirius."

Sirius snorted in disbelief.

"I'm serious!" James snapped. Then he sighed, loosening his grip on the steering wheel. He looked so exhausted, and Sirius would have felt guilty about making him more upset if he wasn't so miserable himself. "One man can be the difference between victory and defeat. We need you, Sirius. We'll always need you."

Sirius' heart clenched painfully. He didn't deserve those words, not at all. "We needed Remus, too."

James pulled the car over, then turned to face Sirius fully. Sirius was startled to see the anger in his face, and shrinked away. "Fuck, Sirius, do you think I don't know that? You're not the only one who lost him!"

James' words seemed to echo in the silence, and Sirius felt a new guilt flood him. Of course James missed him too. He'd loved Remus like a brother.

Sirius didn't understand how James didn't hate him.

Finally, his friend sighed, running a hand over his tired face. Sirius noticed for the first time that he hadn't shaved in a while; the hair on his face was more than just stubble. He wasn't sure why he hadn't noticed James' exhaustion before—he'd been a mess, but surely he couldn't have missed _that_ much?

"Sirius… listen. Remus was a hero, okay? He was a hero. But it's our turn now to fight this war, to give it all we have, because I, for one, am not satisfied letting his sacrifice be in vain."

He started up the car again, leaving Sirius to ponder that. They drove in silence until they reached the graveyard, the sight of which caused unease to begin hatching in Sirius' stomach. This was Remus' final resting place. This was where they had buried him.

James led the way inside.

When they reached the grave, dawn was just breaking. The sky was cast in a deep red light, but Sirius had eyes only for the man who had been so terribly cut down… by his own hand.

The spherical sun was their only witness as the two men dropped to their knees and poured their hearts out to the stone in front of them.

"I'm so sorry," Sirius gasped out, "I'm so, so sorry, Remus." He hung his head, dark tendrils of hair falling in front of his face. "I never meant to do it—of course I didn't—but… but saying you're sorry doesn't fix anything."

"I disagree." James was watching him closely, hazel eyes concerned. "If you mean it, that is."

And then he understood what James was saying—that he was different from his family, because he could regret his actions. That might be true, but it didn't change the fact that Remus was gone because of him.

He turned back to Remus—or, the closest he could get to him. "I wanted… I wanted that life we planned out together in seventh year. You remember? The one you said could never happen because it was too happy? I always sort of hoped that you'd be wrong." Sirius swallowed thickly, tears springing to his eyes.

"But you were right, Remus. You always are. Happy endings don't exist. Life just doesn't suck as much for certain periods of time." Sirius was trembling under the weight of all these emotions, and maybe James was right—maybe he had to come here and _apologize_ to let go of the guilt.

"It's hard to make the things I did undone," he continued softly. "In fact, I can't make them undone. So I hope… I hope you forgive me, because James is right—there's still a war going on, and we can't let you die in vain."

Sirius' throat closed up then, and he turned his head away, blinking rapidly. James put a hand on his shoulder and spoke to Remus.

"Hey, mate," he whispered. "I… I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you." He laughed a little in despair, running a hand through his messy black hair. "Dammit, Remus, I miss you. It's just not the same without you… everything is bleaker. I'd ask what you're up to, Remus, making us all so damn sad, but then it occurred to me… I don't care.

"I don't care because this grief you left me with has just strengthened my conviction to win this war and liberate _everyone_, and I swear I won't rest until this world is the one it should have been. So thank you for your life. Thank you so much for—" James took a shuddering breath in, trying to get his sobs under control. "Thank you so much for teaching me how to… to be a better man."

James dug around in his pockets and pulled out a tissue, pressing it against his face as his shoulders shook. Sirius just watched in astonishment. He'd never seen the other man break down like this, or give such a pretty speech. This time, he was the one placing a hand on James' shoulder.

"We'll find the traitor," Sirius murmured. "It's not me and it can't be Peter—he doesn't have the guts to be a spy—and we know it's not James, since he's the target and about to go into hiding. But we'll find him, Remus, so no one else has to die."

He didn't receive an answer, but Sirius liked to think that that was Remus' way of telling him he approved.

* * *

_He watched Sirius and James return to the graveyard, both of their faces haggard. He turned away when Sirius' gaze landed on his, a scowl twisting his features. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sirius' eyes shining with disappointment, and James' defeated ones. They thought he was angry at Sirius for killing Remus, even though that jet of green light had been meant for Bellatrix. _

_They didn't know that Remus had, in the middle of the battle, seen him aim a Stunner at Edgar Bones, then grin when it hit home. They didn't know that he, alarmed at having been caught, had acted without thinking. He heard the _Avada Kedavra, _knew, somehow, that it would miss its target. The horror on Remus' face when hands hit his chest, making him stumble right into the light Bellatrix had just dodged… it would stay with him forever._

_He'd looked around with panic in his eyes, praying no one had seen him use his friend to murder another. But when he heard Sirius' scream of anguish, he knew he'd gotten away with the crime. _

_His master had been pleased. He sealed his place amongst the ranks forever, just as he wished; the switch was now permanent. The Order had no control over him. He was free of the shadows that had been cast over him for so long, free of friends and coworkers who were all under the impression that they were smarter than he was… it was finally, officially, the end. _

_He was given the Dark Mark._

_He might have felt sickened at the murder—he'd been closest to Remus—if not for Voldemort's quiet praise. _"You have done well, Wormtail… You are a valuable asset indeed, and I have a job for you…"

_Remus was the first casualty, but he wouldn't be the last. And when he was getting such recognition and appreciation for his talents… _

_Well, Peter didn't much care what the cost was. _

**A/N:**

**Writing Club:**

**Disney Challenge: Dialogue 5. "One man can be the difference between victory and defeat."**

**Book Club: James — (feature) beard, (character) James Potter, (object) glasses**

**Showtime: 5. When I Drive — (action) driving**

**Amber's Attic: Dialogue 7. "I'd ask what you're up to [name], but then it occurred to me… I don't care."**

**Liza's Lyrics: 1. NSync - I Want You Back — "It's hard to make the things I did undone."**

**Angel's Arcade: 1. Hawkeye — (word) hero, (plot point) choosing a side for the upcoming war, (affiliation) Order of the Phoenix**

**Lo's Lowdown: 7. (plot point) a character is underestimated **

**Bex's Basement: 13. "Happy endings don't exist. Life just doesn't suck as much for certain periods of time."**

**Film Festival: 21. (object) tissues**

**Seasonal Challenges: **

**Days of the Year: 9 May — Write about losing something**

**Spring: 7. (word) hatching**

**Earth: 7. (word) spherical **

**Amanda's Challenge: Characters 14. Elizabeth of York — alt. Write about grieving for someone**

**Magic Kingdom: Meet and Greet: Aurora — (time) dawn**

**Gym: Madam Pomfrey: Avada Kedavra **

**Fortnightly:**

**Get Lei'd: Hydrangea 3. Peter Pettigrew**

**The World of Music: 3. Steelpan — Write about a Death Eater becoming irreplaceable to someone**

**365 Words: 14. Disagree**

**Insane House Challenge: 229. "Saying you're sorry doesn't fix anything."**


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